Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
