JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
