help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize