I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
