I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
is that a dick in a sweater?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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