Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
