my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize