so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
