my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
