uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Don't tell me you're on acid again
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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