history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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