I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize