1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
