When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize