There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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