Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
