he puts the penis in happiness.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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