I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
