I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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