I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
