There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
