we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
