I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Randomize
