help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
