if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
