apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
