I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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