I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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