Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
