If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
