My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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