Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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