sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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