It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I will pee on everything he values.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
