Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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