I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
