Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
