moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
