So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
