it hurts more in the daytime
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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