i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
