Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
we're so committed to being not committed
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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