I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
