I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize