don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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