Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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