Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
