If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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