His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I forgot wine drunk hurts
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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