I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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