I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
