NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
