Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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