The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
