Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
