I wish my penis had an off switch
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
