now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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