We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
