Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize